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Using Humor
"Silly
humor" can help in controlling anger in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a
name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that
word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker
as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example,
picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's
desk, talking on the phone, going to
meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If
you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will
take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help
unknot a tense situation.
The underlying
message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta
go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that
any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that
they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel
that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler,
who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having
your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can
get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe
you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things
you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First,
don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to
help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh,
sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these
controlling anger techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is
a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can
make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's
our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems
and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the
"trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things
that form that trap.
Give yourself
a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times
of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working
mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the
first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire."
After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from
her kids without blowing up at them, thus controlling anger allows her to manage the situation properly.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you
and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're
tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you
talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If
your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the
door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well,
my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not
the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding
alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of
rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different
route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative,
such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel
that controlling anger is really difficult, if it is having an impact on your
relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider
counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed
mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of
techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.
When you talk
to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger
that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger
management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put
you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely
what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person
can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on
the circumstances and the techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that
angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but
most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who
don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the
average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't
something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful
tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you
can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of
all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes
it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss,
and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can
change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling anger and angry responses
can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run. American Psychological
Association http://www.apa.org/topics/controlanger.html
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